and my blog readers!
I can't decide exactly what it is.
It could be hormonal. Even though I had the hysterectomy, I still have the ovaries. The doctor will continue to monitor and eventually remove those in a few years. My cancer was only stage 1 cervical. It could be the loss of my grandmother still, magnified by the new worry over the news that her brother, my great uncle, has cancer. It could be the financial nightmare I live in, or the other problems which regularly surround Casa de Mann. It could be the stress of working 2 jobs, raising 2 kids, and trying to maintain this house.
Not sure exactly what it is.
But, it manifests itself like this...
I feel angry.
I feel envious.
I feel trapped.
I feel useless.
I feel like the good years are gone.
I have no energy.
I see my children growing up before my eyes, and feel like I am missing it.
I work all day, and rush home, too tired to play with them.
What a terrible mistake I made in thinking I could work and raise children at the same time.
But, it's a situation I created.
And it makes me sick that my children suffer because of my poor judgement.
I am trying to juggle all of the balls, and doing a terrible job.
Because I can't do anything well, or to my standard of what I think I should, I feel paralyzed.
And do nothing.
I'm spread too thin.
And hanging on by a thread.