Thursday, October 18, 2012

By a thread


Lord, if I don't get outta this funk, I'm gonna lose my mind.
and my blog readers!
I can't decide exactly what it is.
It could be hormonal.  Even though I had the hysterectomy, I still have the ovaries.  The doctor will continue to monitor and eventually remove those in a few years.  My cancer was only stage 1 cervical.  It could be the loss of my grandmother still, magnified by the new worry over the news that her brother, my great uncle, has cancer.  It could be the financial nightmare I live in, or the other problems which regularly surround Casa de Mann.  It could be the stress of working 2 jobs, raising 2 kids, and trying to maintain this house.
Not sure exactly what it is.
But, it manifests itself like this...
I feel angry.
I feel envious.
I feel trapped.
I feel useless.
I feel like the good years are gone.
I have no energy.
I see my children growing up before my eyes, and feel like I am missing it.
I work all day, and rush home, too tired to play with them.
What a terrible mistake I made in thinking I could work and raise children at the same time.
But, it's a situation I created.
And it makes me sick that my children suffer because of my poor judgement.
I am trying to juggle all of the balls, and doing a terrible job.
Because I can't do anything well, or to my standard of what I think I should, I feel paralyzed.
And do nothing.
I'm spread too thin.
And hanging on by a thread.
source


4 comments:

  1. This was so hard to read because I consider you a friend and don't want you to feel this way. But I know how you feel and I don't even have as much on my plate as you do. It is overwhelming and can make you feel so anxious, and I get the envious part too.

    I think this is where the blog world can be damaging, because we imagine other women living perfect lives and spending their days in magically spotless and beautifully decorated houses doing Pinterest crafts with their perfect children. The reality is that most women are probably a lot like you, and I know it always helps me to remember that.

    Anyway, you are just really really overwhelmed right now. Don't think you're a bad mother or that you're harming your children, because I'm positive that you're not and that you are a wonderful mother, and your kids love you more than anything. You just have to get a chance to catch your breath and hit a mental reset. You are smart and beautiful and funny and loving, and the fact that you're in a slump and feeling sad and angry doesn't change that. You are absolutely not doing harm to your kids. I'm pretty sure most women feel the way you do at times. I know I do. Take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, think of those beautiful children of yours, and take things one day, or hour, or moment at a time to see if you can feel less overwhelmed. Sending you a big hug tonight :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have MANY of these sames feelings. Rushing to get to work, wishing I was at home. But when I'm at home, I'm tired and cranky. Wishing I had more time to shop, workout, cook meals, be a good wife. Instead of conversations, I feel like I gripe at my husband. My children are sweet and precious, yet I get stressed and overwhelmed at all that has to be done each and every day. And the guilt...oh, that's a whole 'nother animal.

    BUT

    These are all feelings that the devil lets creep into our minds to use against ourselves. Who's your biggest critic? Your own self.

    I don't know how to "fix" these feelings, or else I would fix myself, but I can encourage you to pray and find someone to talk to. A close friend? Your mom? A counselor? Just make sure you don't bottle it up.

    Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I HATE reading this! I know that I don't know know you but you seem like an amazing mom! Sending prayers your way.

    ReplyDelete

Kerri says:

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts! I LOVE reading your comments.

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