Thursday, July 21, 2011

Swallow That Pill

So things have been tight around Casa de Mann.  The economic downturn that began 3 years ago hit us HARD.  I couldn't believe it today when I thought about it being 3 years.  THREE YEARS.  Seems like it has been 15.

It is hard to accept defeat when you feel you have done all of the right things by going to college and graduate school preparing yourself for "life", however, with real estate investment problems, and teacher furloughs, the Canadian and I got hit from both our our ends - and I do mean our "ends".  Sometimes, situations get beyond your control.  That is one lesson I have learned quite well through all of this.  I have learned many many lessons.

It is also hard when you are accustomed to doing things, buying things, going places, feeling relaxed and having fun.  It is not much fun to live in constant financial stress.  There is no relaxing.  All of a sudden, every little penny becomes so important.  Even if you "splurge" on something like a trip to the movie, you can't really enjoy it as you sit and calculate the expense in your head.  And remember you have to buy milk. And gas.  

It is also hard when you watch your friends living the dream and wonder where you went wrong.  Of course it is wonderful to see their successes, and you are happy for them, but you wish you could do the same for your children. You compare yourself and feel like a failure.

I had been working a second job to keep us afloat for a while.  In the spring, classes were cut due to the economic problems.  I had reached a breaking point anyway and probably needed to give it up.  It seems I may have to swallow that pill and find something again.  It isn't easy to work 2 jobs and raise 2 kids, but lots and lots of people have done it, so why do I feel so sorry for myself?  Why am I having such a hard time?  Shouldn't I be thankful I even have the opportunity to work more?

I have SO much to be thankful for.  I have received many blessings and continue to see God's presence in all of this, almost daily.  Last night at Bible study, I broke down in the "ugly cry" as I was sharing how B had been asking me to buy him some snacks and grapes and I had to explain that we needed to wait until payday.    I am tired of crying about it.  I am tired of whining about it.  I am tired of watching everyone around me having fun and living life to the fullest.  I am ready to move on.  I am too exhausted from the whole situation to even be embarrassed. 

Today it occurs to  me that we all have crosses to bear.  I am thankful that in the grand scheme of things, this is mine.  I could be crying about something serious.  Something that cannot be fixed.  This can be fixed.  At some point, things will turn around.  For some people, their situation will never turn around.  In this perspective, I find renewed hope and strength.  I have wallowed enough.  I am ready to fight.

Bottoms up.


  1. You are definitely not alone my friend!!! Thanks for sharing. HUGS!!!!

  2. Yep, not alone Kerri. I keep asking my husband when the market is going to get better. I feel guilty wishing I had and can do what others around me make look so easy. I think it doesn't help that people that play tennis usually belong to country clubs and drive mercedes. That's not even close to us. I've been struggling w/ this b/c I want my son to have the same opportunities that others have...but am realizing that isn't really possible. Anyway, I'm working on being thankful for what I do have. Life isn't really about all that extra stuff...but like you said, a little less worry and financial anxiety would be nice.

  3. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please continue to pray & have faith that things will get better.

  4. Girl my heart goes out to you. We've been in similar situation and I have to tell you we were happier living in a camper taking care of my sick MIL before she passed, no cable, no nothing but God and faith. I truly know how hard it is especially with the little ones just want something simple but believe that it'll all turn around and for the better :)

  5. I love how strong your faith is Kerri and how you constantly try to be grateful. I'm thinking of you and love that you cried in front of your group. It takes courage to be honest.


Kerri says:

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts! I LOVE reading your comments.

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