So things have been tight around Casa de Mann. The economic downturn that began 3 years ago hit us HARD. I couldn't believe it today when I thought about it being 3 years. THREE YEARS. Seems like it has been 15.
It is hard to accept defeat when you feel you have done all of the right things by going to college and graduate school preparing yourself for "life", however, with real estate investment problems, and teacher furloughs, the Canadian and I got hit from both our our ends - and I do mean our "ends". Sometimes, situations get beyond your control. That is one lesson I have learned quite well through all of this. I have learned many many lessons.
It is also hard when you are accustomed to doing things, buying things, going places, feeling relaxed and having fun. It is not much fun to live in constant financial stress. There is no relaxing. All of a sudden, every little penny becomes so important. Even if you "splurge" on something like a trip to the movie, you can't really enjoy it as you sit and calculate the expense in your head. And remember you have to buy milk. And gas.
It is also hard when you watch your friends living the dream and wonder where you went wrong. Of course it is wonderful to see their successes, and you are happy for them, but you wish you could do the same for your children. You compare yourself and feel like a failure.
I had been working a second job to keep us afloat for a while. In the spring, classes were cut due to the economic problems. I had reached a breaking point anyway and probably needed to give it up. It seems I may have to swallow that pill and find something again. It isn't easy to work 2 jobs and raise 2 kids, but lots and lots of people have done it, so why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why am I having such a hard time? Shouldn't I be thankful I even have the opportunity to work more?
I have SO much to be thankful for. I have received many blessings and continue to see God's presence in all of this, almost daily. Last night at Bible study, I broke down in the "ugly cry" as I was sharing how B had been asking me to buy him some snacks and grapes and I had to explain that we needed to wait until payday. I am tired of crying about it. I am tired of whining about it. I am tired of watching everyone around me having fun and living life to the fullest. I am ready to move on. I am too exhausted from the whole situation to even be embarrassed.
Today it occurs to me that we all have crosses to bear. I am thankful that in the grand scheme of things, this is mine. I could be crying about something serious. Something that cannot be fixed. This can be fixed. At some point, things will turn around. For some people, their situation will never turn around. In this perspective, I find renewed hope and strength. I have wallowed enough. I am ready to fight.