Thursday, May 26, 2011

Trying Desperately to {not} Drop My Basket

So I am about to get a little "naked" here.  Not sure why, but in emailing with someone about this tonight, I thought I would post on it, too.  Lately I have been trying desperately to {not} drop my basket - which is a nice little Southern way of saying "trying not to go crazy out of my mind insane".
Lately, my mind has been a dark and scary place.  This is nothing totally new for me, and I have struggled with these episodes throughout my life.  It is something I have been able to keep at bay for about 6 years now.  But, once again, my old friend anxiety and panic has returned.  It is really wearing me down.  I am not getting enough rest and therefor don't feel able to get enough exercise.  I spend many nights pacing the floors, speaking affirmations out loud and talking myself through the sheer terror spinning in my head. I am scared to be alone because I am afraid I will have an anxiety attack- and please note I have never been scared to be alone!  I am hypersensitive to my physical ailments and flip out over the least little pains - even when I know what is causing them.  I feel worried about going away from home because I am scared of what might happen.  It is becoming hard for me to read the Bible.  I am reading it anyway, but it seems to foster this mind cycle of death, fear, death - instead of bringing me peace.  It makes me sad to say that, but it is true.  I want to escape, and read something happy and pretend that death and illness and tragedy don't exist.  I want to enjoy and not worry.  I want to live and have fun with my family.

I can't put my finger on any one thing that I could say has triggered this newest attack on my peace.  Six years ago, it was a major job change coupled with 9/11.  This time, it could be a combination of some of the recent health problems I have been experiencing, the turmoil in my personal life, the economic constraints, the horrible natural disasters occurring lately, the horrible illnesses affecting precious people around me...I don't know.

In an effort to stay off the crazy train, I have put myself in therapy.  T
he therapist has suggested that my obsessive anxious thought processes are a form of OCD.  I had no idea that OCD could affect my thoughts - I thought it was only about things like my obsession over vacuum lines and buying an auto-off iron so I wouldn't have to drive back home every morning to check to see if it was off.  The therapist thinks I need some meds to act as a "cast" for a while as I work through it in therapy.  I am scared to take medication - but also scared of the growing dark place in my mind.  In general, I am scared period.
I have found the research on OCD to be very interesting.  Here are examples of some common obsessive thoughts linked here:

Common obsessive thoughts in OCD include:

  • Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others
  • Fear of causing harm to yourself or others
  • Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images
  • Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas
  • Fear of losing or not having things you might need
  • Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right.”
  • Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky

If you know me, you can clearly see I fit the profile.
So what will I do about it?  What I have always done - keep on keeping on.  Right now, my tentative plan is to go to as much therapy as I can afford, talk through it as much as possible, write in my journal, maybe take some medication, exercise as much as I can, eat healthier and pray. After all, what else can I do?


For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

4 comments:

  1. Praying for you sweet lady!

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  2. I love this post Kerri. Thank you for sharing this. To a certain degree, I can get to this point when things are too much too. I believe that medication as a temporary cast can be a good thing. I hope you do whatever it takes to feel better for you. Big, big hugs my friend.

    Thank you also for supporting me at Yummy Mummy. It means a lot to see your kind words.

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  3. I can't say I totally understand what you're going through, but I certainly can identify with bits and pieces of your post. The fear, worrying, focusing on death and sickness instead of God's promise to us. I will commit to praying for you, friend. You are funny, smart, a great mom (yes, you are!) and you can do this!

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  4. I can also identify with some of the issues you wrote about. I've had some of the same feelings of & on for years. I just recently realized just how long. In the past I've had a lot of anxiety issues & didn't realize what was going on. I took my Dr's advice & started on anxiety meds & I can honestly say I've never felt better. I've never had an issue with taking meds though. I say if it makes you feel better then take it. You'll be in my prayers.

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Kerri says:

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts! I LOVE reading your comments.

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